Was he worth it?
by DystopianDuckie
Summary: I lie awake at night as always, one question spinning relentlessly through my brain – was he worth it? Was saving his life really worth losing her? One-shot about Four set a long time after Allegiant. This is my first one-shot so please be kind. P.S. Sorry if this is a bit depressing. :(


Was he worth it?

I lie awake at night as always, one question spinning relentlessly through my brain – was he worth it? Was saving his life really worth losing her?

I see her in my dreams, where she is still smiling and full of life. I savour the moment, a final chance to be with her, but it hurts too much when I wake. When I reach across the bed and find only the cold, lifeless sheets to greet me where her perfect body once lay.

I still see Caleb sometimes, but all I can do is search for a glimpse of her eyes somehow trapped in his. We don't talk, or at least I don't talk to him. It's not that personal – I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am stuck in a dreamland, eagerly awaiting the day when I won't have to wake up.

He has a family now, a wife and two kids. They call me Uncle, visit me now and then, and I tell them about her, about the Aunt that they will never get to meet. The girl, Elena, looks more like Tris with each passing day and somehow, just her being here takes a little of the pain away.

It is my birthday today but I have long since stopped marking the occasion. Every year I grow older is just another year that Tris will never get to live. I fought so many things in my youth but in the end I couldn't fight the years that would tear us apart.

I guess I have come to terms with it after all this time, come to terms with the harsh reality that has become my life. The endless cycle of days and nights, light and darkness that never end – no matter how much I wish they would. I can't bring her back but I can honour her memory in the only way I can, by not giving up on this life.

I climb out of bed, heaving my aching limbs up and onto the floor. The doctors said I needed a wheelchair, that my legs were no longer safe, but a wheelchair would never have been used in Dauntless and it won't be used now. An old man has to have some rights over his body.

It is four paces to the window and I take each one steadily, pausing to rest between movements. The doctors won't tell me I am dying, of course, they have heard me wish it far too many times to encourage me it may soon be a reality. What they forget it that I live in this body. I can tell when it is falling apart.

The doorbell rings just as I reach the window and Christina lets herself in. The doctors tasked her with checking up on me, even if they won't admit it. It's not like I mind – she's one of the only pieces of my real life that I have left. My life before the waiting began.

She doesn't speak straight away and I have to say I am grateful for the silence. Her footsteps are accompanied by another set, these small and hesitant – it's no secret that I don't welcome children here. Every child I see is just a stark reminder of what my life could have been. Of the children that we could have had. I think she would have liked to have children someday.

_Obviously we never got that chance – she was gone before we really had a life together. _

What the doctors don't know is that this is the real reason I hate this world – not because of what happened, but because we never got the chance to live anything else. It seems like all me and Tris ever did together was fight wars and save others – I guess in the end we were both cut out for Abnegation more than we thought.

The day passes slowly, much like every other day in this life – tireless and frankly pointless. Why can't they see that their lives would be better off without having to worry about a bitter old man.

Christina talks, about family and work and life, while her daughter plays with a toy on the floor. They waited longer than most to have kids, but I think she found it hard to move on from Will – not that I blame her. I am proud of her for moving on at all.

It is evening when she finally leaves and I am left again to the turmoil and comfort of my own thoughts. It is a cruel twist of fate that the only remedy to pain, my memories, also reminds me anew of the weapon that caused the hurt.

I climb into bed and stare at the ceiling, tracing patterns with my eyes on all the familiar bumps and imperfections, willing myself to sleep yet dreading what the night will bring. It takes a while but eventually sleep grabs me in its clutches and I close my weary eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks.

_~~~~Dream~~~~_

_Why do I have to wait so long? I miss you my darling. Her face is there, her hands, but I can only see her through the veil of fog that separates us – the life that will strive to keep us apart. _

_You don't have to wait anymore, Tobias. It's time for you to come home, to come back to me. _

_She steps out of the fog and into the light and I clutch her in my arms like I am afraid to ever let go. She is so beautiful – even more so than I remember – but when I look down at my hands I see the youth that they used to have._

_But I'm old, I lived a life without you. It tour me apart. This can't be real, I don't understand. _

_Hush. It'll be okay. You've waited long enough – you have a life to live with me now, one that never ends._

_And Tobias..._

_Yes my love._

_He was worth it._


End file.
